A nice policeman phoned me the other day, checking some of the details to do with my stolen bike.
Copper: And you said it was stolen out of your garage?
Me: We have no garage sir, it went from the back garden. We have a pretty sturdy land anchor, but my D-lock wouldn't fit round that and the bike; so I put the lock through the frame and back wheel, and used a cable lock to attach it the land anchor. That just happened to be the night they were doing the rounds with the bolt cutters.
Copper: And no-one saw anything?
Me: Nope. Which is odd, because without removing the D-lock - which I'm certain they didn't - they couldn't have cycled away on it. They would have had to carry it down the road, or throw it in the back of a van...
Copper: ...or they could have just chucked it over the fence of number 98 and left it in their back garden.
Me: ...or they could have... wait, what? 98, like, two doors down, kind-of-abandoned-looking 98? With the writhing sea of brambles in the back garden?
Copper: That's the one. So, have you still got the keys for that lock?
And then a few hours later, the nice policeman turned up at my front door with my bicycle. Nothing missing, nothing broken (apart from the cable lock, obviously), just a splash of oil and it was good to go.
And in even more remarkable news, I got all my Orkses finished.
So they're all set to go for the tournament this weekend. They will of course be useless; but fortunately it's a doubles tournament, so the theory is I'll have a team-mate that can do all the winning whilst I focus on what I'm good at - exploding. Unfortunately my team-mate is the RoboJew, who also has something of a flair for exploding. So we'll probably not bother with the winning, and just focus on the toy soldier themed binge drinking instead.
Completing this mighty horde an entire three days before the event I'll be taking them to is a great victory for this administration; and I owe much of this success to the very splendid and ruthlessly efficient Target Gaming, who even as we speak are developing a range of liquid propellant ballistic missiles which will be used for the rapid dispatch of orders to a variety of prime targets throughout the West.