Sunday, 22 November 2009

say no to crunk

There's a handy little gadget attached to this piece-of-shit blog called Stat Counter. It lets me spy on you spying on me, and has a "keyword analysis" function that shows when this dreary bunch of rambling bollocks turns up as a result of someone's internet search, and what keywords were used in the search.

For ages the list has been pretty sparse, and mostly composed of variations on "umbrella graveyard" - presumably from folk that
can't remember/can't be bothered to type out the full web address. But recently, the list has grown; and in the absence of anything more interesting/worthwhile to drone about, I thought I'd share some of this crap with you.

  • Dutch Steamboat. It is pretty much guaranteed that if a sexual act, or even something that sounds like it might be a sexual act, is mentioned on the internets, then google will find it. That's what the internets is for. As it happens, dutch steamboating (or similar phrases) currently makes up 70% of all search terms that lead to this tirade of piffle. Of course, there is always the possibility that all the searches come from people who are genuinely interested in Dutch steamboats. Maybe even the person who searched for dutch steamboat sex act.
  • Someone, somewhere, needs pictures of goats. To be honest, I was less surprised by this search than I was was by the fact that doesn't actually exist.
  • gayest goat picture. I hate it when I finally manage to find a picture of a goat on the internet and it's not quite gay enough.
  • willard foxton war. I have to admit that I didn't study history past the age of fourteen, so it is understandable that I know little of the infamous Willard Foxton Wars. It is now difficult to obtain any solid facts on this subject, since most accounts are exaggerated beyond all comprehension. All that we can be certain of is that the Willard Foxton Wars mostly took place on the moon, and involved pirates.
  • philippa's boobs. Fair enough, but this keyword analysis thing only throws up regular web search terms, not image searches. So someone is only interested in reading about Philippa's boobs. Missing the point of the internets, I think...
  • burning zombie. As it happens, does exist. I just don't know why.
Meanwhile, my family came to visit this weekend. We went out for a predominantly wine-based meal, where I discovered that a) sea bass is a wonderful fish, and b) fish is a rubbish steak. Still, a good time was had by all, and the next day we were treated to delicious cake courtesy of Dr. Sister.

It's a Guinness cake, made almost entirely of butter, sugar, and of course Guinness. But that wasn't quite unhealthy enough for my sister; hence the tasteful additions of smarties, liquorice wheels, flying saucers and a sherbet fountain.




Friday, 13 November 2009

no blog post for you

I'm busy with schoolwork and shit.

So no blog post for you.

Apart from this one.

So now I'm a liar, as well as a disorganised jerk.

Wednesday, 4 November 2009

god damn this noise inside my head

Not so long ago, my favourite online news spout The Daily Mash ran a story revealing that the skank gene had been isolated, in which they made reference to a "Dutch Steamboat". I assumed from the context in which it was used that this was an act of supreme vulgarity with a funny name, and promptly forgot all about it.

But then it turned up again here. And here, and here...

Dammit. Just what the hell is a Dutch Steamboat? Maybe it's some kind of steamboat...

Of course, I could have searched the interwebs... but then there's always a significant chance of seeing something that I can never un-see. I don't need my fragile little mind getting all warped 'n' stuff.

So thanks to The Boy, who was sufficiently bored at work on Tuesday to scour the interwebs and find this definition on The Urban Dictionary.

Dutch Steamboating - The act of anal sex undertaken whilst spouting left wing libertarian values whilst actually being secretly right wing.

Obvious, when you think about it.