Wednesday, 29 December 2010

twinkle twinkle

blah blah blah christmas lights blah blah.

Fifth place:

Bonus points:
+1pt Remembered to turn lights on

-100pts They're shit

Total: -99pts

Fourth place:

Bonus points:
+10pts Trying to be tasteful

-50pts Trying and failing to be tasteful, because you still have lights on the front of your house. Pricks.

Total: -40pts

Third place:

Bonus points:
+25pts Almost painfully garish

-25pts Continuity error (more than one Santa)
-25pts Santa on see-saw with snowman (too much frolicking, implies poor work ethic)

Total: -25pts

Second place:

Bonus points:
+30pts Petty next door neighbour one-upmanship
+25pts Bazillion gigawatt planet-killer bonus

-60pts House on left looks a bit like a Ukrainian gay bar

Total: -5pts

First place:

Bonus points:
+1,000,000pts Visible from space

-1pt Insufficient epilepsy warning stickers

Total: +999,999pts

Merry Christmas, happy new year, etc.

Wednesday, 22 December 2010

because crime never takes a holiday, kids

My bicycle has been giving me some trouble of late. The chain would occasionally skip off the back gears and get wedged between the frame and cassette; this problem was solved with the careful application of a chunk of metal and some cable ties. I fixed a wobbly pedal crank with chopped up bits of beercan, replaced a pedal with knackered bearings by scavenging a replacement from another abandoned bike, and hadn't quite got around to looking at the front gears which were so worn that the chain would slip every 10 revolutions or so.

It has been suggested that what I really need is a new bicycle; but I've always maintained that it makes more sense to wait until this one gets stolen, and then get a new one.

Well guess what I found when I went to cycle in to school this morning?

That's right; a bike. But - crucially - not my bike. My bike is silver and red. The bike it seems to have been replaced with is (forgive me if this gets a bit technical) a Rusty Blue Piece of Shit with Non Functioning Brakes.

On the plus side, I do now appear to have become the owner of a bike so shitty that even a bike thief doesn't want it. Although I can't shake the feeling that I might catch some kind of virulent disease from it...

Tuesday, 14 December 2010