Sunday, 15 March 2009


I made a startling discovery this week.

Ruth has never watched Robot Wars.

This means that she will have never played the three fun games that made Robot Wars that tiny bit more entertaining for thousands of nerds across the nation each week.

Game 1: Determine what roboteer George Francis actually is.

What the fuck are you?!

a) Male.
b) Female.
c) Space lizard.
d) Misc.

2. Try to catch the nerds checking out Philippa Forrester's boobs while she interviews them in the pits.

I find this game difficult, as I tend to be too busy checking out Philippa's boobs to notice what the other nerds are doing.

3. Designing deadly robots in your mind.

I might be wrong, but I reckon that anyone with even the smallest nerdal lobe rolling D12's in the back of their subconscious will have done this at some point. Here's my cunning plans.

The Remorseless Eating Machine

This one's about the size of a tumble dryer, and has massive jaws at one end that allow it to consume other robots (like that space ship in You Only Live Twice). NYOM!

Super Explodo Bot 2000 Deluxe

Essentially, a small explosive device on wheels. I'm sure I don't need to explain how this works.

Listen to Black Sabbath

This robot will basically be a giant speaker on wheels, with "LISTEN TO BLACK SABBATH" written on the side of it. It will have no weapons; it will simply drive around playing "War Pigs" really loud until all the other robots give up. Then it will explode (this one's packed with semtex too).


A V8 engine, only all of the pistons are attached to hammers instead of a driveshaft. The hammers act as weapons and give it something to stand on. You can't control how the thing moves, all you can do is give it more throttle and smash things faster. I don't see how this can possibly fail.


Willard said...

There was a show on US tv called Robot Wars EXTREME, which had as it's tagline "THERE ARE NO RULES!!!!"

This sounded awesome, as say explodo-bot would have been totally kosher. And it was american, so some robots actually carried machine guns or acid sprayers.

Tragically, the guy who won took the "There are no rules" approach to the Nth level, by having a robot which jammed radio signals. And a flipper to win with.

There's a moral here somewhere.

Charlie said...

This is your important blogging? You were drawing pictures. No wonder you were so tired. See you friday, the cat misses you already

Marianne said...

Arrested development?

I think so.