engineers have minds made of cold hard metal logic. that's why we make such informed and sensible decisions

Y'know how you always have the best ideas when you're drunk?

I am now part owner of the above BMW E36 328Ci.

Telling my mother that I had become a BMW driver was a little bit like revealing that I had been caught looking at child pornography at work. I would imagine.

I have entered into this very dark period of my life as part of a joint venture with a very Welsh girl that likes orangutans but hates toasters, and her chap Matt "why are you melting my toaster, is it because I am so superior?" Smith, after we spent an enjoyable morning trying to find out what it would take to break a Honda Prelude. Despite our best efforts, we never found out; but since the 'lude in question was mine, we decided that the next time we embarked on such a venture, it should be in something more expendable. And so we spent a booze fuelled evening scouring autotrader.co.uk for cheap yet fruity motors, and came up with a fairly decent shortlist of Toyota Celicas, a Honda Civic VTi and the BMW. Naturally, all of the mighty Japanese cars had been sold by the time that Matt and Laura got to see any of them (I was busy perfecting my fake smile at the Big Gay Department Store at the time), and so we plumped for the hideous triumph of form and function that is the BMW. It pains me to admit it, but apart from a startling amount of surface rust and a moderately disturbing coolant leak, it is a pretty fucking good car.

We have our first trackday booked for a few weeks from now, and speculation as to how we will kill our Bavarian track slag is rife. The current list of doomy predictions, helpfully compiled by a lovely Pixie, looks like this:

• Head gasket failure
• Clutch and/or gearbox failure
• Chassis damage
• Rear axle damage
• Death by Armco (driver failure)
• Death by Armco (brake failure)
• Fireball
• Crash on the way to/from track
• Rust
• Brake failure (sabotage)

PLACE BETS NOW!!!

Personally, I think it's highly optimistic to suggest that the car might rot into a festering pile of orange dust before we annihilate it ourselves; but thanks anyway for the vote of confidence, Sam.

And as for the possibility of brake failure... we're watching you, you sneaky RoboJew...